Opportunity

I have been really really emotional this week.

I am use to the mood swings at this point. I expect them, not surprised when they are here, but I don't enjoy them. No one in my house enjoys them.

But this week was a little more difficult. The combination of bed rest, lack of control over anything and physical discomfort I am in, has got me wound so tight, it doesn't take much to get me crying. And on top of all that, I am sick and tired of hearing myself complain. Not even out loud, just in my head. Some of it is out loud- Aaron gets the brunt of that. And I hate that too.

I am in a nesting phase that would put TLC's "Clean House" to shame. I have a million projects in my head that I want done, 70,000 of which I can't even properly explain, I just wanna get rid of stuff/ organize stuff/ disinfect stuff. For example, I want to clean out my front hall closet, by the front door. It is not overly messy or disorganized, but half the stuff in there can be permanently removed and put together better, to make room for the large wicker basket that I need to buy at Ross that will house the 100 blankets that are floating around the house. I mean, these blankets are about to be the death of me!! Who needs 25 blankets on the couches and beds in piles? In July? I'll tell you what I need, I need them to have a home behind a closed door and go to that home, only to come out when we are watching a movie, or winter arrives- whichever comes first.

That is only one item on the to do list.

But anyways, back to me being emotional. With my hormones running-a-muck, it was no surprise to me that, as I drove alone to my sonogram yesterday, I started crying. It was a "sick and tired" of everything cry. And I started to think about God looking down on me, while crying and driving to the Dr's office. And something dawned on me.

God wasn't born yesterday, He has always been here. He is magnificent. He is wise. He is all knowing.

He hasn't been surprised, or taken a back by any of this difficult pregnancy. Not one word from the dr's mouth, not one blood test result, or recommended treatment has come as a shock to Him. He knew all of this all along, and He knew it before we even conceived. Not only did he know it, it was part of His plan.

With that realization, I drove the last few blocks to Dr K's office, and silently pondered what that meant to me? How does that change my outlook? He has been here, by my side, watching me react to news of this and news of that, waiting for me to get it. Waiting for me to take from this exactly what He wanted me to take from it.

I remember one night this winter I was closing down at work, walking around turning off lights and locking doors. It had been a particularly grueling week at our house- kids fighting, exhaustion on my part, Aaron always busy. But I recall having a sense of peace as I walked from lamp to lamp turning them off, an actual looking forward to going home and knowing that what ever the night brought me, no matter how stressful, it was what God wanted for me for some reason. And I was excited to see what was in store, and what He was trying to say to me, by allowing, the chaos. I was excited for His plan, no matter what it brought. I saw it as an opportunity.

This realization, humbled and quieted me as I parked in the parking garage, and took the elevators and sat in the waiting room.

Here, this whole time I have been going in and out of days, just trying to get through them, distracting myself from feeling miserable or irritable. I have been lulled into just knocking the weeks out and getting them behind me.

But I am missing the bigger picture.

I thought I have got to OPEN MY EYES!

What is He doing to our marriage by allowing stressful moments, utter dependence, and a need for solid communication? How will we come away stronger?

What is God changing in me, with lack of control, and stillness? How will this help me help others?

What is He trying to bring out of us for His glory?

How is He shaping us for something else that is to come?

Last night when Aaron got home, we hunkered down in our room for some alone time. On particularly rough days, I tend to shut down and quietly sulk- horrible words flood my mind like "Aaron doesn't understand, nor does he want to" or "He will think you are weak and reject you if you complain about anything" but I felt an encouraging from with in, like God speaking to my heart.

"Reach out to him"

So I did.

I turned to Aaron and told him about the pain I was in, and I told him about the worry, and I told him that I hate myself like this and that I feel like I am failing- I am letting everyone down.

And a wall came down. Aaron took me in his arms, and massaged the pain, and told me I am not a failure- far from it. He told me I am sweet, and a perfect wife, and a perfect mama and that he was so sorry that I was in pain and that he wished he could take it from me, and that I am so good to our sweet baby Aubrey.

And we talked back and forth about little things and big things and the pain lessened and I got drowsy. As I drifted off wrapped in the warm security of my husbands love, I thought about God nodding at us with approval. It doesn't just solve everything. The pain doesn't instantly stop and the hard days are easy. It was a very small step in the direction He wants us to go.

But for the first time in a long time, I am so excited to see where He takes us.